Delay and Retain
by heartachequisition
Summary: As if there was ever anything that could prove he was a kind person to anyone. Hinted ShinAya, Toumei Answer AU where they swap places. Partner fic to 'Elusive Question'.


"Hey, Shintaro, what do you think is the reason that we live?" Ayano asks him this when he truly wouldn't be able to come up with a suitable answer, but he makes one up quickly, because he doesn't want her to believe in the garble that emerges from other people's mouths.

"To die, of course." It's a dry response, and he doesn't know if he even believes it but at her expression, he almost laughs. She's completely shocked.

"No!" She cries, slapping him on the shoulder with a piece of paper. "Shintaro, you can't say that!"

Just to rouse another reaction, he replies, "But it's true."

"No, it isn't." Ayano rocks in her seat. "That's not a good way to think... there's more to life than living and dying, you know?"

"Is that so?"

"Of course! It can't be like that, if the world is so vast and beautiful a place to live."

It couldn't be helped. She was so innocent, so unknowing.

"Then tell me the reason why you think we live."

* * *

><p>…<p>

..

Shintaro thinks the best thing in the world is to bring people happiness, but he knows he is not and would never be a person that could do so. Rather than pure, he is tainted, and rather than kind, he is cruel. He knows, because he's not stupid. It's taking responsibility for knowing that scares him.

In a sense, then, he is inevitably drawn to the allure of _kind people _because they are everything he is not. Yet he knows he doesn't deserve to know them, and their shining light is not ever to be directed at him.

Ayano is the only exception.

He has to make a decision, in the end.

..

…

* * *

><p>"I've finally reached my first 100..."<p>

He looks over to Ayano who is patting her newly crafted paper crane in tired pride.

Not meaning to, but not being able to resist, he rains on her parade with a swift, "You won't get anywhere near 200 for weeks now. We've got exams and you in particular need to study."

She slumps on the desk, admitting defeat. "I will get there though. 1000 paper cranes to make a wish."

He shrugs, "It would be nice if you put this much effort into studying, too."

* * *

><p>…<p>

..

Had it been a situation less dire, he is sure he'd never admit it – but the truth is the truth, and somehow, he falls for a kind person. He is disgusted with himself, but only at first, since life runs its course and soon it couldn't matter much.

People come and go, and he doesn't intend on sticking around for much longer anyway.

..

…

* * *

><p>"What're you making? Can I see?"<p>

It's evening when he's found himself, sitting in his living room with his siblings hovering over him like curious little flies. Momo, the ever intrusive baby sister, climbs up the couch from behind and almost topples over the top of him when he catches her.

Careful with the paper in his hands, he holds it higher so all three of the kids can see it.

"Ah, a paper crane!" His attention swiftly goes to Momo again, as she reaches for the origami piece between his fingers.

"You want it?" He teases lightly, and she nods. As the older brother that he is, he scrambles away from her and keeps it just out of her grasp, but the laughter that erupts from her little mouth is well worth it. It's only a moment after that he almost trips over his other siblings in his frenzied escape and again, Momo laughs. The other two, Hibiya and Hiyori, take possession of his other test – blaring a proud 100 in the top corner – and stare at it, mesmerized.

He only shakes his head at them. "It's not a big deal," Shintaro comments, slightly embarrassed by the way they're worshipping it. "Put that down and we'll play a game."

* * *

><p>...<p>

..

_Forgive me._

..

...

* * *

><p>"Hey, Ayano, what do you think happens to someone when they die?" He lets this question slip accidentally, and he immediately regrets it. If she were just an ounce more perceptive, then surely he would be in trouble.<p>

She turns and smiles, and he almost can't look at her anymore. "Maybe they become an angel! Or a ghost!"

He feels the burden of regret plummet heavy on him because he knows he'll soon be leaving that pretty smile behind.

"Or music, maybe they turn into music." Her laughter is such a beautiful sound that he's stunned; perhaps that is what real music is made of.

If only he could listen to it forever.

* * *

><p>…<p>

..

To be the one that saves his siblings' future is an honour. It's the least he can do – as the true scum of the world – to make a sacrifice for the only people he ever could love. Well, doing things for himself… he's used to it.

At this time, he can't bear to think about Ayano.

She too, is one of those people, but as a utilitarian somewhere at heart, he can't bring himself to stay.

..

…

* * *

><p>He places the paper cranes he had crafted in the corner of the roof, just under the railing. All of his heart filtered out into the small folds of paper – the unspoken '<em>I really wanted to be with you<em>' and the brief declarations that '_It was for the best' _which was a lie, and _'my wish came true' _when it didn't; it couldn't.

It would never come true.

Shintaro doesn't even know if he wants Ayano to find them or not, but he is willing to let the chance arise, in case she ever came looking for the elusive question he never could truly answer.

She deserved at least that much, for being so kind.

After a moment, he stepped on the cranes with his heart's words, and the ten pristine ones he had crafted for her eyes were placed gently on the roof; a distraction, a decoy. His useless, perfect scores…

"One thousand paper cranes." Sighing, letting his breath cloud in the cold air, he wishes it could be different. "Making one thousand can grant someone's wish, can't it? But a wish can't solve these sorts of problems…"

"Kisaragi." From behind him, the voice sounds and he knows it's almost time.

He smirks, cruelly. He's always been like this. "Why hello," without turning around he says mockingly, "I didn't think I'd be able to talk to you like this…"

Ayaka Tateyama isn't a teacher he really knows personally, but as a mother, he's painfully aware of who she is. Her features are too close to that of her daughter's, and it makes it all the more difficult to face her moments before his death.

"Let's keep it quick," Ayaka responds, her usually friendly smile twisting into a malicious sneer. "You don't want to be wasting time."

"Not on August 15th, right?" He laughed, but it was dry and littered with falsity. "I know."

"You can't reverse it, you know. You were pretty foolish to have told me your plan beforehand."

His hand extends, over the edge of the roof, marveling at the serpent which soars from the single gesture. "So this is what swallows up the deceased, huh? It's somewhat beautiful."

With a start, Ayaka says, "You're not serious." It's a statement. He sees the glinting crimson of her eyes, and wonders why she even pretends.

She doesn't deserve a reply in this state, so he inches closer to the edge. All of a sudden, Momo is bolting out into the open screaming at him and he feels like breaking down and quitting but he _can't_. Not now. He empties his pockets, paper floating around everywhere and tells his sister simply, "Look after everyone for me, won't you?"

"You – you jerk! Didn't you promise that we would all be together forever? Didn't you promise that you would always be there? To protect us…?"

Momo is getting closer, and he knows if she touches him, his resolve will be lost. Instead, he gives her one last smile. "You're a good girl, Momo. Sorry, your big brother is really such a rotten boy."

When he falls, he doesn't look back.


End file.
